I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
