Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
