On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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