She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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