I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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