sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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