i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
