i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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