I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
