I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
