They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
