Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize