any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
