once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
whose parrot is this?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize