you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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