we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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