did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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