Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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