Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you will always have a special place in my vag
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
