My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
