I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
