I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
