Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
