I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize