I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
