You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
