you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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