I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize