Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
