he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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