Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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