Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
