I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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