I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
