It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Randomize
