I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
