yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
