I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
