so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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