I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
