she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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