if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
