Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
