I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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