They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize