She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize