I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
