Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
