Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
