Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
