Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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