Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
