he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Ketchup is God's man juice
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
