I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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