Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
