You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
