if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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