She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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