mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
