You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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