I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
