So drunk its hurt
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
